Being a Superhero in this Utopia Sucks
Peace on Earth has been great, but not for our superheroes. With people happily falling asleep by curfew, refusing to shoplift so much as a pack of gum, and always cleaning up after their pets defecate in public, there isn’t much for a superhero to do.
We humble copywriters at alternate-universe S.H.I.E.L.D. ask you to please consider renting a superhero for the day. Superheroes make for great entertainment at birthday parties, serve as phenomenal nightclub bouncers, and they look exceptional in swimsuits, if you’re looking for a superior pool cleaning experience.
While our entire catalogue of superheroes is worth a gander, some of our best rental options include:
The Incredible Hulk
Sometimes your super chill vibe requires a little more green than you thought. Hulk is great for moving furniture, leveling buildings, and killing cockroaches. He’s super jacked, but he won’t make your wife or girlfriend green with jealousy because he’s awkwardly large and mostly speaks in grunts.
Don’t bring him into tense or agitating situations. He will get violent, and violence is not allowed in this Utopia. If Hulk becomes violent while under your supervision then you are liable to be fined up to $750,000 and/or be sentenced to death. We cannot risk this world turning into a playground for destructive temper tantrums that lead to an unexplainable number of explosions. Explosions are not allowed in this Utopia.
The Incredible Hulk always wears the same pair of tattered purples shorts, but we promise that he washes them. You can rent Hulk at a special limited time offer of $50 per hour.
You’ve got to be careful with Spider-Man because we don’t allow littering in this Utopia. If you give him too much freedom then he will shoot his icky, sticky spider webs on anything and everything. This could result in a $300 fine and/or your not-so-friendly neighborhood death penalty.
Spider-Man is great if you’re looking for someone to fill in for your intramural sports team. He’s extremely athletic, but deceptively looks like an out of shape nerd, so he’ll catch your opponents off guard. He specializes in gymnastics, wrestling, and Utopian Ninja Warrior. Being a spider, he’s also great for killing cockroaches.
Spider-Man comes in your choice of the traditional red and blue suit, a black suit, or his birthday suit (we hang streamers from his red and blue suit). Rent Spider-Man for $39.95 an hour and receive a free ‘Copywriters of S.H.I.E.L.D.’ t-shirt. It’s super machine washable.
Whether you need a timely gust of wind or control over your local precipitation, Storm is your girl. Not only does she control the weather, but she’s a former Miss Utopia beauty pageant winner. She’s a desirable combination of beauty and rains.
Storm has a tendency to generate lightning, no matter if she’s creating a clear, sunny day or a torrential downpour. Lightning is just her thing, so we suggest that you keep her away from swimming pools, lakes, glasses of water, wishing wells, and toilets. That said, her lightning is extremely effective at killing cockroaches.
We’ve received a lot of flak for pricing our women 20-30% lower than our men, which resulted in our boss’s beheading, because gender inequality is not allowed in this Utopia. Storm is a pricey option at $120 per hour, but her lightning will power your house for a full day, saving you a ton on your next electricity bill.
This is our classic, affordable, do-it-all superhero model. He’s Caucasian, chiseled, and capable of everything. He can fly you across the country in a heartbeat. He’ll run all your errands in no time at all, unless he encounters long lines, which we really need to banish from this Utopia. He can break you out of prison to save you from the death penalty you earned for letting Hulk swing one too many times at your daughter’s piñata. Of course, using Superman for illegal activities results in a $1,500 fine and/or the death penalty.
We kindly ask that you do not expose Superman to any green, extraterrestrial rocks. We know those probably sound rare, but they’re not. You can pick one up at Walmart for like five dollars. If you try to hurt Superman then we will overwhelm you with excessive water balloons, as, of course, no harmful weapons are permitted in this Utopia.
Superman comes in his classic super suit or dressed as Clark Kent the reporter. We used to offer a Smallville version of Clark Kent dressed for farm work, but too many housewives rented him just to stare at his bare chest all day, which made him feel like a statue, which led to depression, which led to Superman overdosing on red kryptonite, which was a huge mess, because evil people are not allowed in this Utopia. The man of steel can be your steal for $25 per hour.
Superman, but a woman, so better. She also comes with a whip, which is super hot (if you’re into that sort of thing). Any use of the whip in public will result in a $2,000 fine and/or the death penalty, even if you’re using the whip to kill a cockroach.
If you order Wonder Woman along with her invisible plane then she costs $500 per hour. However, the plane is much more for show than it is functional, so you can get Wonder Woman on her own for $200 per hour. Either way, she comes scantily dressed.
Don’t make Hulk smash his head against the wall in boredom. Order a superhero from alternate-universe S.H.I.E.L.D. today.
No matter which superhero you order, please remember that superheroes are people too. Sure, in some alternate universe, these superheroes might regularly make front page news, but, in our world, they’ve been relegated to glorified items that you can add to your Amazon shopping cart. Don’t make fun of our heroes for this and land yourself a fine, or worse. The law clearly states that you may not utter a dis in this Utopia.