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September 10, 2018

Sorry, But Once Again We've Scheduled a Meeting on Your Jewish Holiday

Tired of the Jewish holidays not receiving the respect they deserve? Me too. Published by McSweeney's Internet Tendency.

July 02, 2018

Always Great Ideas for Katie Nolan

Writing samples I made for Katie Nolan, host of the ESPN+ show Always Late with Katie Nolan. She did not hire me, but these are still pretty awesome.

November 13, 2016

My 2016 Presidential Candidate Play Dates

Spend some quality time reminiscing with Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and shoulda, woulda, coulda Bernie Sanders.

September 23, 2016

Being a Superhero in this Utopia Sucks

It's hard being a superhero in a utopia. Previously published by the now defunct The Higgs Weldon.

July 11, 2016

We’ve Cast a Tiger to Play the Next James Bond

Musing on the best choice to play the next James Bond. Published by The Reject Pile.

February 12, 2016

Finding Love Through Meetup Groups

Advice on finding the right Meetup group to fit your romantic life. Published by The Reject Pile.

January 16, 2015

An Open Letter to Semicolon Abusers

Learn how to use semicolons. Published by McSweeney's Internet Tendency.

September 02, 2014

A Moveable Pee

On the difficulties of urinating in Paris. Published by Hobo Pancakes.

February 18, 2014

The General Manager of the Philadelphia 76ers Apologizes to the Team’s Fans

Our Lord and Savior Sam Hinkie admits to some early flaws of The Process. Published by McSweeney's Internet Tendency.

October 23, 2013

How I Want to Die

A prescient musing on the end of my life. Published by Defenestration.

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