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Please Excuse Us, The Galactic Empire, While We Destroy Planets You Never Think About

Humans, it’s us, The Galactic Empire, today represented by me, First Officer of The Fifth Battalion’s Second Messenger Brigade Hoohan Swervymarsh. Yes, I am the son of Sharknod Swervymarsh, the Galactic Empire General famous for pooping his pants while video conferencing with the Supreme Emperor.

I am bound by law to disclose that information before any speech I give, as part of the permanent but incredibly fair and lenient punishment leveled against my family as a result of my father’s offense.

I am also bound by law to remind you that this Galactic Empire has nothing to do with your earthly Star Wars. That’s just a coincidence, probably because The Galactic Empire is a sweet, sweet name.

I address you today, subservient citizens of Earth, in order to respond to recent allegations that The Galactic Empire has been destroying planets in a manner that The New Milky Way Times calls, ‘willy-nilly’. While The Galactic Empire has been destroying planets, I promise you that it has not been ‘willy-nilly’ and it has not been as bad as it sounds.

Within the past week, the planets of Kroormor Nine, Plitplat, and Mrs. Dalloway’s Sex Orb have indeed been destroyed by Galactic forces. However, you should not be alarmed. Much like the United States has done to Laos, Yemen, and other countries on your planet, these worlds were all places that I’m sure you either never heard of or never thought about. If that doesn’t condone the actions of The Galactic Empire, it should at least make it as easy as usual for you to go on with your lives.

As for those of you wondering why we did it, I’ll be honest. There was a lot of Galactic gold as well as the irresistible opportunity to flex our awesome power involved. Truthfully, the Supreme Emperor liked the people of Kroormor Nine, got married on Plitplat, and has fond pre-marriage memories of Mrs. Dalloway’s Sex Orb, but those planets were all poor and puny and when the opportunity to destroy them arose for sums of money that would really make you feel the Galactic wage gap, well, the Supreme Emperor simply could not refuse.

Plus, it scared the living shit out of both Mars and Mr. Fun Time’s Planet Number Five that we were able to annihilate three worlds in under twenty minutes. It has been quite amusing to witness how the citizens of those planets have not ceased to quake with fear in the forty-eight hours since The Galactic Empire’s mighty display of power. Needless to say, you can sleep safe knowing that Earth will not be attacked again any time soon.

You’ll be impressed to know that all three worlds haven’t just been destroyed but have been absolutely wiped out from physical perception. If anything’s left, it’s imperceptible space dust, and one Snoolvian Sex Chamber that somehow survived the demolition of Mrs. Dalloway’s Sex Orb and is currently floating lost in space. If you happen upon it, the Supreme Emperor is offering a handsome reward.

History will smile fondly upon The Galactic Empire, as this macabre chapter will be sufficiently buried beneath far more newsworthy headlines, such as The Galactic Empire’s ongoing standoff with those adorable little teddy bear-looking creatures who we’ve discovered live beneath the surface of North Pluto (#UniteNorthAndSouthPluto) and the bare butt photos that Earth actor Channing Tatum accidently sent to the princess of Foofookamoochoo.

She, in short, is very impressed.

Please do not mourn the losses of Kroormor Nine, Plitplat, and Mrs. Dalloway’s Sex Orb. You never thought about those planets or their people before. Why cry for them now?

Besides, you live safe on Earth, a primary stronghold of The Galactic Empire. As we overpower and profit, you’re free to screw around on your phones and screw each other (both literally and politically) and pretend like figuring out the market for electric scooters is not only important but a more deserving topic for your podcasts than Yemen.

Long live The Empire. May the stars bless us, every single one.

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